Thank you Dad

I never thought I’d type those words, as I never thought I’d have anything to thank my dad for, apart from providing the sperm to give me life. My dad passed away 2 years ago today only just over a week after I grieved for another human, both deaths rocked my world. I didn’t have a great relationship with my father, in fact it was awful. But when he died, so sad and alone my heart broke a little. I no longer carry the pain and guilt I carried for years whilst he was living, I imagine him smiling and looking down on me, proud of what I’m doing and what I’m becoming.

I could never be sure what he thought whilst he was alive, I don’t think he ever told me he loved me, he didn’t show affection, he lashed out in anger and life was lived through a drink fuelled haze. At times I worked hard to have a relationship with him, sometimes I just gave up and sometimes we just fought. It’s amazing how a veil lifts when a death occurs, I can now see my father in complete clarity. It’s not only his faults that I dwelled upon so much that are apparent but his many qualities too. I stood and spoke a eulogy at his funeral and the words were easy to write, they just flowed. I can only see now how similar I am to my dad. We shared the same passions I’m just so overwhelmingly sad we never really got to share them.

Through all the pain, my Dad’s death and the freedom it’s given me has enabled me to live the life I always wanted. I think perhaps the life he may have always wanted too if he’d had the confidence to pursue it. Each day of my adventure I imagine him there, never angry anymore but completely at peace, encouraging me every step of the way. Thank you Dad, RIP.