I haven’t blogged for a while, does this mean that life just stopped. Sometimes, you can just disappear from this world, slip through the cracks. If it’s not online, did it ever really happen? The more you talk and interact, the more voices and people you have there around you. What happens when you just disappear?
In the last six weeks I’ve moved countries twice. I left Barcelona, after 8 months in that beautiful city because work wasn’t right. You are what you do. You can think holy pure thoughts and post a million well-meaning Dali Lama quotes on your Facebook feed, but if your actions conflict, it’s all bullshit. You may feel like a tiny cog in a big corporate machine, but your actions as an individual matter.
So I thought I’d dive straight out of my comfort zone. Leave my job, work for myself and truly become a global nomad. I was riding high with ambition, confidence and maybe a healthy dose of delusion. Oh and caffeine, way too much caffeine. I had consumed so many motivational quotes, I was a temporary self-help ‘guru’. Hell I have a Pinterest board that would put Mother Theresa to shame. I needed that, to remove me from my situation, to give me the faith I was doing the right thing for me.
I applied for a role and got it, a role that I truly believed reflected the actual me. A three month contract, that would kick start my new life as a travelling digital marketing pro, working for businesses and causes I believe in. Sadly, it involved a bit of fundraising, well a lot of fundraising. I almost didn’t take the role because of it but it was so perfect in every other way. Fundraising sucks. I pride myself on being self-sufficient, an independent woman who doesn’t ask for help. And then, there I was cap in hand, asking the people who care about me to believe in me and my crazy ambitions and my hope to do my bit for the global community. It’s fair to say the whole process kicked me straight out of my comfort zone and straight in the guts. I know this is a good thing, it’s humbling but I started my descent.
You see sometimes I think I’m superwoman. I am soaring high through the skies and I can do anything I set my mind to. I am so full of hope and ideas, confidence and ambition that I genuinely believe I’m a force to be reckoned with. I really can achieve anything.
Then I start falling. I make a startling descent and hit the deck, full force my body comes crashing to the ground. My dreams, my ambitions and my confidence all evaporate.
I was back in England. I knew my departure was imminent and my new life in Costa Rica was waiting for me. I had a few weeks to get my shit together, completely end the life I’d known and prepare for my new one (again). I was trying to establish a bit of a plan, move my blog to a new platform and set up a professional website too. I put my heart and soul into it and then I started wobbling.
The blackbirds started circling… You can’t do this, ‘peck’, you’re stuck, ‘peck’, you’re going to fail, ‘peck’.
Although the circus in my head was in full swing, I made it. I got on that plane and landed in Costa Rica ready to start the next chapter…